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Random Jokes thread

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  • Random Jokes thread

    A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
    The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

    ... standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

    "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
    He slams the door and returns to bed.

    "Who was that?" asked his wife.

    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

    "Did you help him?" she asks.
    "NO, I did NOT, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

    "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
    I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

    He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
    "Yes," comes back the answer.

    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
    I have CDO - its like OCD, but with the letters in the correct order.

  • #2
    Tools Explained

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh-!'

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favourite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
    I have CDO - its like OCD, but with the letters in the correct order.


    • #3
      A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk .Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 Bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that Money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really ticked me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes. '"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."
      I have CDO - its like OCD, but with the letters in the correct order.


      • #4
        I have CDO - its like OCD, but with the letters in the correct order.


        • #5
          I have CDO - its like OCD, but with the letters in the correct order.


          • #6
            A male work friend came up to me today,
            "my wife wants a divorce" he told me sincerely
            "Whatever for" I asked
            "Well" he said "she reckons i have erections in in-appropriate places"
            "What do you mean in-appropriate places" i questioned "what counts as a place so in-appropriate to have an erection in, that your wife would want a divorce"
            "Um mm....her sisters bum!!!!!!
            I have CDO - its like OCD, but with the letters in the correct order.


            • #7
              I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
              We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

              I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
              The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
              My dad kept staring at her.

              The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
              When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
              "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

              Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
              choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

              In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid .....
              "Got stoned once and screwed a parrot.
              I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
              My arrogance extends just as far as my conscience demands..........Eric Liddle, Paris 1924 Olympian


              • #8
                Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer :

                I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
                on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

                I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
                The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

                In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
                to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if
                she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

                She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

                Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
                to ask if she had any other firearms.
                She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

                Now I had to ask one more time if that was all.

                She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.

                I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

                “Absolutely NOTHING” she said
                My arrogance extends just as far as my conscience demands..........Eric Liddle, Paris 1924 Olympian


                • #9
                  Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer, when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'

                  Earl spits, sips his beer and says,
                  'Better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'
                  Bopin in the bad shine, with a bota bag of fried wine.


                  • #10





                    I have CDO - its like OCD, but with the letters in the correct order.


                    • #11
                      Kawasaki ZX14R shits all over Hyabusa
                      ALLAH was a Goatfucker--Mohammed was a ROCKSPIDER--I am a good shot--You do the Math


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Wolf View Post
                        Kawasaki ZX14R shits all over Hyabusa
                        so long and thanks for all the fish


                        • #13
                          I see that Wolfie hasn't been here yet.

                          Some mistakes are too much fun,
                          to only make once.


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Blue View Post
                            I see that Wolfie hasn't been here yet.
                            Look up
                            so long and thanks for all the fish


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Povrat View Post
                              Look up
                              Just saw it, shit he is getting real fast with this shit.

                              Some mistakes are too much fun,
                              to only make once.